Jean-Paul has been very passive lately. Not even passive-aggressive like before, just passive. I've been ready for the fight; I thought he’d rail against me, make me pay for going AWOL. Instead, he’s clingy and sort of sweet.
I’m confused.
I don’t know if Henri talked to him, or if he’s forgiven me—or, if he’s about to explode all over me. Should I let it pass, act like nothing happened? Do I need to "talk about it" with him? Would that make it better, or worse? I have no idea what to do with the kid.
I suck at this.
“He’s afraid to lose you again,” Henri said today, “that’s why he clings to you. You’ve created a bond with him, now you have to work at this relationship.” Work at the relationship? With what skills? Where do I begin?
This father thing confounds me. I have nothing to go by; I had no parents of my own. I just feel my way through it, like a blind man in a minefield. Scary, huh? Who knows, maybe this is one of the reasons I went AWOL. Fleeing failure.
But when the kid calls me, “Pa,” and looks at me with those big, brown eyes filled with trust, it makes me want to be a better dad.
Henri always says to be a good parent you have to put the needs of your children first. I should take that advice, start there. Might be a nice change of pace—get my head out of my ass for once and look to another. Could make my own problems seem less important; could make me happier, too. Maybe to be a better father I just need to grow up and be a better man.
