Henri and I got into a bit of a tiff today. He thinks since I’m suspended I should spend time with Jean-Paul instead of "running off" after the killer. But he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be out of work. He runs his own business; easy for him to say.
“What drives you?” he shouted at me. “Ego?”
Fear of being useless, but I didn’t tell him that. "I want the kid to have someone to look up to," I said. Henri shook his head at me like I was a lost cause. “JP looks up to you because of who you are, Luc, not what you do.” Then he asked me what I was really afraid of. “Is the devil gonna claim your soul without that piece of metal?"
He pegged me pretty good, didn't he? So, of course, I had to tell him to fuck off. Loudly. Yeah, I know...but I hate when he lectures me. He doesn't know what it's like to come from nothing, and I told him so. "You don't get it!" I barked. "Without the badge, I’m nothing! A bum!”
Henri’s eyes bugged out; he jerked back as if I’d called him the bum. Yeah, “holy shit” is right. Do I really feel like a bum?
I watched Henri’s face morph from shock to sadness. Before it could shift into pity, I was outta there. I know he's right; I should invest in JP, but right now, I have to save myself.
When Bruno took me off the streets, he told me being a cop would make me somebody. A man who is useful can never be cast aside. His words keep ringing in my head. Well, Bruno, I'm going to make myself useful.