I've settled back into my department now that the move to anti-terrorism is definitely off the table. It took me a week to resign to the idea I'd be stuck in the same boring job. Henri was surprised I took it so hard. "I didn't think a creature of habit like you would want that kind of change."
A creature of habit?
I told Henri he was dead wrong. I'm the guy who grew up on the streets where nothing was predictable. I can adapt to any situation, flow in any direction I need. But Henri looked me square in the face and laughed his ass off. Then he pointed out, in great detail, what a slave to routine I am.
"I could set the clock by you," he said. "If you have the day shift, I can expect you just after four o'clock. You'll head straight for the tabac for a pack of cigarettes then sit at your usual table outside. At precisely 21:45, you'll go home by way of Rue des Saules. But if you have the night shift, I'll see you at 10:15, at which time I must have the morning paper and your coffee waiting.
"You will only eat ham and cheese sandwiches or roast chicken. You only shower in the morning. You have a cigarette every night on the balcony off your bedroom and every morning on the balcony off your living room."
He made me sound so pathetic. I protested. Henri said I shouldn't feel bad, that we're all creatures of habit. "Although for you," he added, "routine does seem to be a life line."
A life line?
I wasn't even aware until Henri laid it out, but it's true, I do stick to certain habits. Do I need them to survive? I suppose I do like things a certain way, but would I fall apart without routine?
Where Henri sees mindless habit, I see meaning and ritual. I go to his café every day because it's more like home than my apartment. It was home before I had a home. Henri and his dad were my touchstones when I was homeless, and Henri is still my anchor. I walk the same route home because it reminds me of the few bright moments of my dark youth.
It was Bruno who gave me my first ham sandwich the day he arrested me, and I ate roast chicken with his family the day he took me home to live with him. So yes, these are my favorite foods. As to starting my day with a warm shower and smoking on my balcony looking out at the Eiffel Tower, these are great luxuries to someone who grew up in the filthy streets and had nothing for so long.
Maybe routine does give me security, I don't know. After the unstable childhood I had, who could blame me? These small rituals make me feel like a rich man. Some people see power and money as marks of success, but to me, it's the things you can count on. The things that most people take for granted. I cherish these things. They remind me how fortunate I am.
