I’m not sure about my new position. I'm bored out of my mind. I spend all day in painful meetings—staff meetings, procedure meetings, reorg meeting, meetings about meetings. If this is what it means to be captain, I want a demotion. I think I’d even be happy to go back to the BRI—if they’d have me. Putain, at this point, I’d even settle for a commission in the banlieue if it meant there would be a little action. My department is so specialized that we have nothing to do. Such a waste of talent.
Still, for some reason, even with nothing to do, I’m exhausted at the end of the day. My mind is tired—from dealing with the politics, maybe. There is so much of it at this level. I don’t know who to trust, who my friends are. I’m not sure when to speak my mind or when to just nod along, dumb. They say they want my opinion but then they roll their eyes and whisper behind my back. I offend at least one person a day. I’m just not good at dealing with egos and psyches; I’m good at being a cop. I used to be top in my field but now I'm doubting myself all the time. I feel stupid and useless, like I’m starting all over again. It hasn’t been this bad since the academy.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about retiring.
If I could just get back out there, back in my element, I’d feel right again. I just need a good murder to chew on. Anybody?
