First, let me say, I'm terrible at it. Being a father. What do I know about it? I never had a father, a real father. And my mom died when I was still very small. I suppose the closest thing I had to a parent was Bruno de Lappe, that old cop who took me in, and Henri's father. But if I were to say there was one man who was the truest thing to a papa, I'd have to give that to Bruno. I miss him so much every day. He was still sort of young when he died, about 57. I barely had 15 years with him, but his impact on my life—and my work—is immeasurable. I hear him talking to me all the time, calling me "kid" like he used to. "Take your time, kid." "Do the work, kid."
Now that Jean-Paul is back with me, and I'm searching for the right words to turn that boy around, Bruno is in my head more than ever—especially, our first conversation on that fateful day we met. The day he arrested me. The day that changed my life.
At that time I'd been on the street nearly eight or nine years but I was still only 17 or so. “What do you want for your life, kid?" I remember he asked as he typed up my arrest report. "Don't you have any dreams beyond life on the street?" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I lived purely in the moment then; I had no sense of the future. My brain was wired for survival not planning or hoping. And dreaming—was this guy nuts?
Back then I thought he was just mocking me, torturing me; I remember how the click-clack of the old typewriter was driving me mad. Now, of course, I understand he was reaching out, and during the hours that followed, he would work my mind over and eventually break me down. Like only a good cop can.
Bruno was better at it than me. I still haven't found the tipping point with JP. How do I get him off the streets for good? When I talk to him he just stares blankly. Even when I try some of the same lines Bruno used on me. Maybe JP isn't as smart as I was. Or maybe, because he knows I'm always here like a stupid safety net, he doesn't feel compelled to make up his mind. Me, I had no choice, really. Bruno phrased it like a choice, made it seem like it was completely up to me, but honestly, if you had to choose between apprenticing as a cop or being locked up, which would you pick?
“Listen, kid,” Bruno said, “I’m offering you a chance to change your life.” Those words run over and over in my head as I look at JP, sitting right now on the balcony off the living room. A chance to change your life. How do you get a kid to understand that his life needs changing when he's happy with it just as it is? How do you convince a 17-year-old that he should be concerned about a future that doesn't exist?
Bruno, I wish you could whisper the words in my ear because I'm about to walk out onto that balcony and give it another shot.
